Ladies, 99 percent of the time, your outfits are awesome. Almost always, you look fantastic. You rock our worlds.
But I’ve got to be honest. Sometimes, what you wear leaves us scratching our heads wondering what the hell you’re thinking. You may like following the latest trends but sometimes, quite honestly, the trends suck.
I talked to some typical guys, and what follows is how they feel about your fashions. Be warned, some of it’s a little harsh. Just remember that we love and respect you. We wouldn’t point this stuff out if we didn’t care.
So, here’s a little tough love:
Oversized sunglasses.
Let’s be frank, ladies. These are downright silly. “They look like old ladies who just got out of eye surgery,” says Matt, 29. “They make me think of some weird Russian spy movie or something,” says Pat, 30.
I know you ladies are going for the cool retro look, but Jackie O. is rolling over in her grave. When you wear the big sunglasses with one of those big handbags, you look like you’re ready to hang out with the Olsen twins.
And here’s the bottom line on oversized sunglasses: They hide half your pretty face. Why do that?
Jeans tucked into boots.
Boots worn with a skirt, that’s sexy. But tuck jeans inside your boots, and you look like a member of the highway patrol or a Nazi riding in a tank. “It looks like they’re going horseback riding,” says John, 30.
It especially looks bad when you’re wearing snow boots when there’s no snow on the ground, or if the jeans bunch up at the top because they don’t quite fit inside the boots. Then it looks like you’re about to clean toilets with Joe the janitor.
Low-rise jeans.
I thought this trend was on the way out but, here and there, you still see women wearing how-low-can-they-go jeans. And that being the case, you still can get hit unsuspectedly by a crack drive-by.
Ladies, hide that dark side of the moon. Having more crack than a drug dealer is not a good thing. You want to keep your grand canyon covered and your love handles under wraps. At all costs, avoid that dreaded skin-bulging-over-the-top look, the “muffin top.”
“If the woman doesn’t have the goods in the midriff area, it’s not a complimentary look,” says John, 31.
Little dogs.
Okay, this is an easy target but seriously, what’s the deal with carrying around little dogs? “Just walk the dog,” says John, 30. “He has four legs. I’m sure he likes to walk, run and play.”
I thought this trend was only something clueless celebrities did, but I actually have witnessed this fashion atrocity firsthand. Let me tell ya, if I wasn’t too busy laughing, I would have ratted these girls out to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
“Small dogs are obnoxious in general and I would probably regard any woman who walked around with one to be unfriendly, spoiled rich and of overrated attractiveness,” says John, 31.
Chopped hair.
Let John, 31, tell you the gospel truth: “Long hair is a must. Women who cut their hair really short are not as attractive as they could be otherwise.”
It drives me nuts to see how many women, once they get married, chop their hair. It’s bad enough that once we get married you nag us more and have sex with us less, but do you have to cut off all your beautiful hair, too?
Of course, not all guys feel this way. “Different lengths suit different girls,” says Pat, 30. “Short hair looks really good on some girls.”
Pat, I appreciate your opinion, but you’re wrong and obviously under the influence of some sort of hallucinatory drug.
John Crawford is a freelance writer, and a friend to all women, living in Philadelphia.